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Hopes and wishes

Dear Baby,

Daddy and I have so many plans for you. On Thursday I will be 8 weeks, which is far far too early to start thinking about colleges, or even Preschools. But I was thinking today about all the wonderful things in the world that I want to show you, and wondering if you’ll love some of these things as much as Daddy and I do. For instance;

Will you be a Whovian like we are…or by the time you get old enough to watch it, will it seem silly because its only 2 dimensional?

Will you love Pickles like me, or Spicy things like Daddy?

Where will you sit on the Lost question, Island mysteries or Character love?

Can you speed read like me, or are you a Whiz with numbers like your dad?

Then there are the things I hope you inherit: I hope that you’ll get my “perfect” skin as apposed to Daddy’s oilyness. I hope that you get Daddy’s “Get it done” attitude instead of my propensity to drag ass and hurry it up at the last second. I hope that somehow in the genetic code floating around, you’ll have a little curl to your hair.(And maybe a bit ginger? Auburn at the least?) Unfortunately, genetics do seem to point to you being a chunk, like we both are.

In becoming your mother, I also have hopes for myself:
I hope that I am more patient with you than I ever have been with anyone else. Patience is not a virtue I own much of, and if I could learn anything before you come, its that.
I hope that I am always Kind to you. Kindness is something else I struggle with, as wry quips tend to shoot from my sharp tongue without me noticing.
I hope that when you need an answer I have one, and its a correct one.
I hope that I never ever make you feel as though I don’t love you. I think that when you get to be a teenager this might fall by the wayside, but know that I do love you, and only want whats best. Your Dad has never ever made me feel unloved by him since the first time he said it, and that was one of the many many reasons I married him.
I hope that I can do this right enough so that you never feel like you can’t come to me and talk. I had 2 entire sets of parents and I still sometimes felt like I didn’t have anyone to talk to and understand me. It wasn’t their fault, but it was the way it was.

I guess the point is, I wish I knew what you were like. I wish I knew if your handwriting sucks (Both ours does) so that I can go ahead and tell you that its alright. I wish I knew what you were afraid of so that I could protect you from it forever, or help you beat it to begin with. I wish I knew your favorite color, so that I’d never give you any other one to wear. I wish I knew your Sexual orientation, so that I could keep an eye out for potential loves of your life.

I’m sure all mothers go into this with the best of hopes. I’m sure no one rubs their pregnant belly and plots how to make the baby inside miserable for their whole life. But you, my dear, are special.
(I’m sure that they all say that too)

 

baby crockett (king of the wild frontier)

Dear Baby,

Well did we ever get a surprise when we went to the doctor! Originally I had been told that you were due 1/22/13, based on how most baby making systems work, but when we went to see you at the OB, you were a whole week younger than we thought! that means that when I wrote to you last time and said you were 7 weeks, you were actually only 5 wks 5 days! Meaning we’re expecting you closer to the 31st!  On one hand I was upset because I really can’t wait to meet you (Confession: I was mostly thinking if the extra week of morning sickness)  but on the other hand, that means a whole less week of exposure to some of Momma’s less than good habits. When we saw you on the ultra sound you were a tiny little bead, with another fluttery bean next to it that was your heart.  The Tech kept saying “They” meaning babies in general, and I made her stop that and use the singular. There is only one of you in there, even though I was afraid/hoping that maybe there might be 2. buy one get one free, as it were.

Your heart was beating at 91 beats per minute, and the tech said what with you measuring so small, its a good possibility that your little heart started in the waiting room. Just as if you knew how badly I wanted to see it, so you made it be! That day we also met Dr Burt, who will most likely be the owner of the hands that yank you out of me. Hes a nice man with no strange ideas about pregnancy. he was very helpful and gave us a practiced spiel of do’s and don’ts, mostly do’s.  He was glad to know about the depo I had been taking previously, which would explain my ovulating late which would explain why you’re so itty bitty.

You now have clothes. Your Tinker came up last week to spend the day and we did a little shopping. She insisted, and you got a tiny little pair of socks with Turtles on them, and a pair of overalls and a stripe-y green and white onesie. She likes the idea that overalls were the first thing she bought you, since they were also the first thing she bought me. I resisted the actual buying, because you being here to use these things still seems so far away. I realize that eventually you’re going to need stuff, but…it seems like buying a bunch of stuff will jinx the whole situation. People tell me there is this thing called “Nesting” that will take care of that.

Granddada Peter also came to spend the weekend, and he gave us some good tips and encouragement.  “Earplugs” replace The Graduates “Plastics” as the buzzword of the day. the 3.05 of us went to the Science museum, and saw a show at the planetarium and the imax, and a huge exhibit about sharks. I think all that looking up must have angered you in some way, because the next morning I woke up not morning sick, but with a back ache like you wouldn’t believe! It has lasted 3 days, and Dr Burt says its my pelvis stretching things out, and that its completely normal. I don’t see whats normal about not being able to bend over or sit or get up or lie down without crying, but hes the doc (doc). Heating pads and warm baths are helping. I’m just glad that I’m not as morning sick and feeling this way, because it would suck to have to kneel over the toilet in this condition.

Daddy has been a superstar. I feel really guilty because he works all day and then comes out and makes dinner, does most of the housework and all of the shopping. I know I’m percolating a baby over here, but I’ve always thought that one of the main reasons our marriage works is because we both work really hard to make each others lives easier, and here I’ve gone and put all the pressure on him.  He assures me that its fine, but I can see the stress in his eyes. I hate to add to it.

I watched the season finale of Mad Men today and realized that when that show comes back, you’ll be here to watch it with me. I wonder if you’ll love/hate Pete Campbell as much as I do.
Love
Momma

7 wks 0 days

Dear Baby,

I had Lunch with Julie today. She is already excited to meet you! It made me think that maybe I should write down all the reactions that I’ve been getting from people.

I think the first thing people say is either “REALLY?!?!” or “WHAT!?!?!” That was Lucas reaction, as well as Your Tinker’s. Megan Guessed because I told her I wanted to have lunch with her!  Aunt Janie cried and Cried. She was in the hospital, and I was going to wait to tell her but wanted to give her something to think about while she was in surgery/recovering (Confession: My real reasoning was that I became obsessed with the idea that she would die on the table, thus making it so she would never know) Lisa asked me Why I switched to caffeine free coke and Andrea Blurted out “Are you Pregnant!??!?!” so thats how they found out. We called Grandada Peter and he sounded very very pleased.

Tomorrow Daddy and I will go to the doctor, and I hope we’ll be able to hear your heartbeat.  It will be the first time, and I think after that you’ll become less of an idea and more of a reality. Also we should be able to get  a better bead on how old you are already, so I can plan better when to expect you. (Confession #2: I’m kind of hoping we are four days off and you can be born on Daddy’s birthday)

Some anxiety has set in for me. As time passes it becomes more real, and yet less believable somehow: I Am Having A Baby, and there seems to be no end to the decisions and choices to make, and things to buy. The shopping possibilities do thrill me (only once in a life time do you get to go buy your 1st baby’s 1st pair of Converse Sneakers) But the baby stores fill me with dread and anxiety. Everything is cute and colorful and expensive, and after half and hour NONE of it makes sense/seems necessary. This voice in my head starts chanting about Women in the MIddle Ages, and how they didn’t need anything more then some hides to wrap around the kids behind.

Its the same with all the other options: Cloth diaper/disposables, breastfeeding/formula, co sleep, self soothing, attachment parenting. Do I need a bottle sterilizer? how about a wipe warmer? the Bumble seats look like torture racks. why buy a bassinet?

and so I quietly go mad, retching from morning sickness, buried under a pile of information that I don’t know what to do with.

Not that any of this is your fault, Baby. But you’ll learn that Momma can be kind of a nutjob.

6/3

Good Morning Baby! Well, I say good morning but you are obviously not in a very good mood, because I am so so sick this morning!  This Morning sickness is absolutely killing me!  Your Tinker (My Mommy) says that she wasn’t hardly sick with me at all, and I don’t remember her being very sick with auntie Melody either. But you are not making mommy’s stomach very happy! I can’t really blame you for all of it, because I’ve always had a tricky digestive system. (it only takes a few repetitions of the word “Vomit” for me to do so) and all you seem to want to eat are Snow cones and rice cakes. (and BLTS)

Things you don’t seem to like: Ketchup, ginger, and Cooking Chicken 

In other news, Daddy had a long business trip that he just came back from. He went to Baltimore, and then to DC for one day. I missed him a lot, and I think you did too, because we kept waking up a few hours, wondering where he was.

We’ve decided that we’re going to use cloth diapers when you’re here, just until you get the hang of the Potty.

Tonight, Lisa and Andrea are coming for the Game of thrones finale, and we’ll tell them our good news. I think Andrea will be a little dazed, but she’ll come around when she meets you.

Everyone is going to love you, I know this, because I do already.

Well Hello there!

Dear Baby,

Last Thursday morning I felt crappy. I tried to soldier on until I was at the Drive thru ATM and puked. Not quite the “Threw” they had in mind! After analyzing the situation I crossed my fingers and went home to pee on the stick. BFP almost instantly.  I took another two, just to see the lines! Then I called up my doctor who told me I could come in for a confirmation. So I chugged some water and off I went.

I got there, went through all the rigamorole and told her what was up. She sent me to provide a sample, which I did. A few minutes later she comes back telling me it was negative. I told her about the three I had taken not 2 hours ago and she was stumped. So I went to CVS and bought another set of 2 and they tested the same sample. Negative again. Nurse suggests something is wrong with the sample. I go in to provide another one, and when I got to stick it in the little door, I see that there is another sample in there already: MINE!

Turns out they were testing some poor old guys sample over and over, trying to figure out why all the other tests came out positive!

The doctors and nurses apologized over and over, and my office visit was free.

And that is how I found out you existed.  Daddy and I had wanted a baby for awhile, but we wanted to wait until we were ready for you. So when Daddy Finished college, and got a great new job we started trying to have you, and we succeeded faster than we  could ever dream.

The first person I told was Auntie Sara, even before I told Dad! I texted her while I was still in the Doctors office;  just one word: Pregnant. Then she yelled at me for not telling Daddy First!  I called him and told him I had excellent news for him when he got home.  Then I waited. and waited, and waited, and finally he came in the door! I sat him down on the couch and told him that I had something for him. then I whipped out this plastic baggie of positive pregnancy tests He couldn’t believe it at first, but then he was SO happy, and I think both of us cried a little bit.

This week has been a Blur of  decision making, and I haven’t been super energetic, all the Body chemicals that come with a baby are exhausting, not to mention that I’ve already figured out that you DO NOT like ketchup! (Hopefully you won’t be a picky eater like your Dad) its been hard to give up My Sodas and beer and stuff, but Daddy is insistent, and is absolutely right: You deserve the absolute best chance I can give you. I plan to bring you into this world, and I want to give you everything I can to prepare you for it.

I love you already Jabigail.  I can’t wait to meet you.